Wednesday, October 13, 2010

A Blessed Mess

To put it nicely, my life is a blessed mess right now. I feel blessed to have such a caring circle of church family and other friends who have given us such love and support. So many of you have taken the time to share your own personal experiences with miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy. And hearing your stories does help me to not feel so very alone. Also, I am thankful for the meals friends have brought to allow our family time to recuperate from the surgery and the grief. On the other hand, I have a lot of anger right now I'm dealing with regarding God's hand in several situations in my life. Being around me right now is alot like riding a roller coaster, probably because I feel like my life IS one, emotionally speaking. One minute I feel guilty that God is so good to me and I am so selfish. The next minute, I resent that He's so good to me in some ways but refuses to move on my behalf in others. And still the next minute, I'm crying over the baby and feel overwhelmed with all the unresolved issues in my life and hopeless. I was feeling lonely before all of this happened, and now that feels compounded. I realize many people care about me, but there seems to be no one I'm especially close to that I feel "safe" enough to share the level of pain I'm feeling right now. And while both Joe and I both are Christians, we had been working through issues in our marriage prior to all this but not totally resolved anything. Now it feels twice as painful as it was before, because our situation has changed and the stress level is so high right now. Further increasing my stress load is the realization that so much of this trauma has happened in what feels like the "public eye". People I barely know have walked up to me when I'm out and told me how sorry they are for my loss, which is so kind and compassionate. The problem is that I am aware that people who already questioned my faith are now watching to see how genuine my faith really is, and I feel so incompetent right now and weak. It's terrifying for me to think that I could be a cause for someone to stumble. But admittedly, I'm stumbling right now. I'm mad and selfish and angry and bitter--not just about the baby but also there were other things that had been weighing heavily upon me before all of this happened. Now they seem unendurable. It says in the word "A crushed reed he will not break...." Right now I feel dangerously close to being crushed and not being able to rise from the ashes. I was so desperate to feel in control of something--anything-- in my life right now that I started trying to delete every post on my Facebook wall just to make the wall "Feel "clean ---to have somewhere in life that I saw order and didn't feel like it was falling apart. Alas, I never got more than past deleting posts from sometime in June, due to the sheer # of posts I've shared. Well, about to head to bed....hopefully will feel better in the morning.

No comments:

Post a Comment