Tuesday, January 25, 2011

A struggling kind of day

Sometimes being positive is a real challenge for me. I believe the Lord has called His people to be joyful and peaceful people. For me sometimes, though, it's like a cloud of depression is hovering over me, and I feel as if I'm struggling to see everything through a haze of despair. The last few days have been that way for me. It's not something I'm proud of. It's not something I even understand. But it's still the reality I live with. Some people always see the glass as half full--I am unfortunately one of those who struggles sometimes to see the glass has anything in it at all.

On days when I am really struggling, the thing I hate most is how on the outside of everything I feel. It can seem like the world is rushing by and life is going on around me, but inside I am swallowed up by death and inner destruction. And while most of the time I am okay with meaningless social niceties, on these days I loathe them. I hate most of all when someone asks "how are you?" because I want desperately for someone to actually listen and understand how I feel, but mostly I realize that when most people ask that question, they aren't looking for a truthful answer. What they want is for me to participate in a social construct of greeting another person, but on these days I find it especially trying. I just want to be honest and say, "I feel like crap. I feel indescribably sad and alone." The thing is, I don't want people's pity, either. I don't want them to feel awkward. And I realize I would feel even worse if they did feel awkward because I would feel even more alienated from those around me. I know, of course, that God is still with me and for me no matter how I feel. But it's difficult to grasp that reality when my feelings run so strong. And I'm not trying to say that no one cares for me at all. That's not true. I have many nice friends who care about me but aren't especially close to me or seem to have no time. I get that, and I'm not looking to be someone's friendship "project". What I need right now is not for the whole world to understand and be my good friend. I don't need hundreds of acquaintances. I just need one close friend. One. Praying God will give me direction in this area.

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